Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Learning to fly by the seat of my pants

I like plans. I like knowing what is going to happen every step of the way, planned out in advance. I want to know what the outcome will be or should be. I want the plan as clearly defined as soon as possible. Apparently the universe has been desperately trying to cure me of that fault. It seems every time I turn around, every time things feel settled and I can take another step in my plan another curveball comes my way. Some of the curvealls have been great. I've had curveballs that were amazing life changing surprises which have enriched my life and for those I am grateful. Other curveballs have been soul-crushingly painful. Maybe one day I can be one of those people who say they look back and are grateful for their trials. I certainly am not at that place yet.

Between the universe and my own screw-ups and others' screw-ups that impact my world, my life is not what I thought it would be. My plan for the "perfect life" went off track. My life is not nearly what I had planned but I need to learn that just because it is different that doesn't mean it's wrong, or bad or anything other than what.is. Those voices in my head, the ones that overwhelm me at the end of an exhausting and challenging day tell me that if only... if only... if only... my life would be so different and so much better. All blame rests solely upon me if I believe those voices. I need to learn to tune them out. I need to learn to silence them and realize I cannot change what has happened. I can re-frame, I can adjust my attitude and I can move on.

I just need to do better. Every day make better choices and accept where those choices take me, whether or not they fit into my plan.

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