Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Numbers and regrets

What do you do with regret and consequences of mistakes made?

6237 days ago I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I had no way to fix it so I tried to make the best of my life, always feeling the haunting memories and reminders of that mistake. It would pop up fairly often, I tried to push it away but it would resurface again and again.
For the last 315 days I had the chance to try to rectify that mistake.

I failed.

Now I get to live out the remainder of my days living with the regret of my failure. I wonder how many days that will be.

I never knew I would be punished for the rest of my life for that mistake. I never would have made that choice if only I knew.

Every day, many times a day, I pray and I hope that someday, somehow the punishment for this mistake will end. I will get another chance and maybe, must maybe, I won't fail again.

All I can do is hope and pray.

1 comment:

  1. Mama, you didn't fail. It's that your time together has passed. Could you, perhaps, try to focus on how your days together - all combined -are part of a bigger journey?

    I hate that you're hurting so very much, A. I hate that you continue to heap all of this onto your shoulders and stagger under that burden.

    I'd rather you pray for release from the burden of sadness and self-loathing - that's the TRUE punishment, Mama. And to be released, FINALLY, from it, would be the best gift.

    I'll pray for you: for clarity, for peace.