Thursday, August 25, 2011

Escaping

I am escaping reality for a couple days and heading to Algonquin to camp. A break from the every day, time to enjoy watching the Littles explore, sitting by a campfire, sleeping in fresh air - it all sounds like exactly what I need.
I'm looking forward to time to think in a beautiful setting and plan out the next little while. I'm trying to figure out some plans for my future and need time for quiet contemplation.
Off to the woods I go!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Smiling

Today I found myself smiling for no reason at all. I realized I was singing while I did some dishes.
I played with the Littles, sat and watched a show and chatted with the girls.
For the first time in a long time I feel content. I feel peaceful. Dare I say I think today I felt happy?


Saturday, August 13, 2011

Attitude change

In the last few days I find myself experiencing - and working hard on - an attitude shift. Some parts of my life situation really suck. I can change/control some of it, other parts I just have to accept. Well, no, I don't. I could wallow and cry and whine and never accept that the way things are is the way things are. I do have that option. I have no interest in exercising that option.

I have great friends. I have a wonderful family. I have a safe place to lived. I can provide for my kids. I have plans for my future. I do not want to dismiss all of that and waste time being miserable.
I am struggling to keep myself from swirling in depression and pity and sadness when I'm alone, especially at night & when the kids are gone. Staying busy is key I think. There are times the sadness is overwhelming and there are times I give in & have a cry but then wipe away my tears and get busy again.
I'm really tired of life knocking me down but I'm not letting the knocks win. No way. I want to live.

Monday, August 8, 2011

An old post from an old blog

I wrote this a couple years ago when life had flattened me. I'm re-posting it on this blog. I know I'm not there yet but I will be.

I was thinking back to a couple months ago when I was talking to a friend. I told her how so many times over the last years I have been broken. I believe I compared myself to a vase - how eventually after being broken so many times you just can't glue it back together.
I realize today that I am not a vase.
I am a tree.
I have had storms batter me. I've had the wind blow so hard I was sure I couldn't survive. I lost some branches I'm sure, but in those storms, without even knowing it, I was digging my roots in. Pushing them down into the ground where they will hold me strong.
This latest storm won't break me. I will painfully push my roots down and grow.
There are five small trees growing near me looking to me, seeing my strength, watching these storms and surving their own storms. They are growing strong along side me.
I will stay strong, I will not break.

I will get there. I'm done with being used and lied to. I am worth more than that. Another person's behaviour toward me does NOT speak to my worth or my character.
Someday I will truly believe that, until then I will remind myself over and over again.

Friday, August 5, 2011

For the Better...

Life is changing in our family. I hope it will be a positive change. I'm experiencing some guilt but I am sure this change will be better.

The Littles' dad and I have agreed to a more equal custody arrangement. I never thought I'd be okay with not being the 100%, full-time parent - but it actually was me that requested the change. Me. I asked for my babies to be away from me almost half the time.

I have been flattened this year. No, I've been flattened by the last few years. This last year has just put me over the edge. I've always been able to look after everyone and keep myself together. Now I'm finding myself too tired, too broken, too weak to keep doing it. With what feels like no hope of my life changing I have to do this in order to just survive.

I'm not sure why I feel like I'll have a scarlet letter on my chest for doing this. The Littles are going to be with their other parent, I'm not selling them on e-bay or dropping them on the doorstep of a church. I know I'm not less of a parent because of this but I wonder if other people will see it that way. Will it look to the world that I'm abandoning my kids half the time?

I need to plan out the time that the Littles are away. I need to use this time to get myself to a place where I can make it through the day without feeling that it'd be better if I just hadn't woken up. I need to use this time. I need to use this time to spend time looking after myself both physically and emotionally. I need to use this time to spend time with my girls who have suffered from me being so broken. I need to use this time to spend time with friends and maybe laugh a little. I need to use this time to get stronger. It sounds so selfish when I see it all typed out.

It's going to be so strange around here when the Littles are gone so much. But I'm sure it'll be for the better.