Thursday, September 22, 2011

The messages I hear & what I will do about it

Every single day I hear the same things:

You are fat. 
You are ugly. 
You are worthless because you don't have a job. 
You are such a statistic of the good for nothing teenage mom 16 years later. 
You aren't good enough. 
You are too lazy. Your house is such a mess your kids should be taken away. 
You are too lazy. You should be at the gym running 10km every day.
You are a terrible mother - no wonder one of the kids moved out and two others only live with you half the time. 
You fail at life. 
You need to be perfect and you are so far from it you couldn't see perfect if it hit you in the face.
You fail at love. It's your fault  you are single. If you were "better" he never would have left you.
You don't deserve to be treated kindly - you deserve every bit of garbage that people throw at you.
You should drop off the face of the earth, no one would miss you and the world would be a better place for it. 

If I saw or heard someone treating my friends, family or even an acquaintance so poorly I would be livid. I would step in, I would defend them.
So why is it okay I keep hearing this? I keep listening to it and believing it.

I am my own worst enemy the vast majority of the time. This has really become clear here lately.

I will choose to ignore those voices screaming at me from within my own head.
I will choose to battle my faults, but keep a realistic view of what those faults actually are.
I will keep educating myself. 
I will surround myself with people who show me that I am better than all the "truths" I hear about myself. I will distance myself from those who reinforce those messages.
I will find a way to give back. No, right now I can't hold a job but I can volunteer somewhere I'm sure.

It's hard. So hard to make change but I am strong and I can do it. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I have been putting a lot of effort into changing my behaviour, changing my patterns and choosing better. What a difference that makes! 

Day to day life is essentially the same: I am still a single mama of five kids, I am often overwhelmed by the weight that is on my shoulders, there are still money problems, the house is often a mess... I could go on and on. Instead of letting it defeat me I have been making a concerted effort not to let it crush me.
What a difference choices and attitude make!

The Littles are loving the new arrangement of more equal time between Daddy and Mommy's houses.  Accepting that I am not SuperWoman and I don't have to be has empowered me to enjoy the time I have with the Littles and enjoy the time when they are with Daddy. Jaron loves school. Yesterday halfway to school he looked at me and said "Do you see my smile getting bigger? That is because the excitement grows inside me as we get closer to school!" What a difference a few months makes!

I think the most significant change in the last few weeks has been in the way I have decided to let people treat me. I have made a conscious decision to put myself "behind glass" as explained in a Facebook status I stole:

I was reminded of something important today: If you're not being treated with love and respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you've marked yourself down. It's YOU who tells people what you're worth by what you accept. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep the valuables! LEARN to value yourself… more! If you don't, no one else will

It took me about 35 years but I finally see that I am the one who decides how people get to treat me. I am the one who will make the choices in my life. I am strong enough to weather whatever life throws at me (and no God, that is not a challenge thank you very much!!) I have the strength to work through trials, I have the strength to walk away from anyone who doesn't treat me like the amazing person I am. I am capable of thinking things through and making decisions. I am worth it all darnit! At times I get lost in a swirl of "Look at all the pain I've allowed, look at all the time I wasted!" but I stop the thoughts and accept I cannot change the past but I can change the present and the future!

Onward and upward!