Monday, June 18, 2012

Ch-ch-ch-changes


There have been a lot of changes going on around here. In the last two weeks my oldest daughter moved home and my partner started the process of moving in. It is a wonderful feeling having my family reunited!!! My heart rejoices at us all being together! I thought life couldn't be more perfect. And then...


Two lines. Two pink lines. 


I can't post what my first reaction was, I'm trying to keep this clean after all. Hmm, how can I say it... My reaction, upon seeing the two lines was something like. "NO!!! NO! NO NO!!! FIRETRUCK FIRETRUCK FIRETRUCK!!!!!"


I sat there dazed and confused. How did this happen??


I finally had a plan, I was finally looking after myself & making plans for myself and this has thrown me back to square one. Literally. 


I have five children right now. Four were planned, one so planned we used fertility drugs. My first was a surprise, a shock, a life changer. And apparently, if this baby sticks, so will be my sixth.


I feel like I should cry. I feel like I should wail. I feel like I should feel something.  All I feel is that telltale ripping feeling of my pelvic muscles every time I move. 


Every once and awhile the reality of the situation starts to surface and I feel complete and total panic overtaking me so I immediately push it away and think of ANYTHING else and wade waist deep in denial.


I worry about the progress I've made in my health - both physical and mental - being lost. Already I am experiencing unwanted changes in how much I can do at the gym. I get worn out so very quickly. I'm doing less than half what I normally do for my workouts.


I hope that before this baby comes, if it sticks, that I can learn to quit resenting it. I hope I can stop being angry. 


I wonder how long this state of shock will last.