Monday, June 18, 2012

Ch-ch-ch-changes


There have been a lot of changes going on around here. In the last two weeks my oldest daughter moved home and my partner started the process of moving in. It is a wonderful feeling having my family reunited!!! My heart rejoices at us all being together! I thought life couldn't be more perfect. And then...


Two lines. Two pink lines. 


I can't post what my first reaction was, I'm trying to keep this clean after all. Hmm, how can I say it... My reaction, upon seeing the two lines was something like. "NO!!! NO! NO NO!!! FIRETRUCK FIRETRUCK FIRETRUCK!!!!!"


I sat there dazed and confused. How did this happen??


I finally had a plan, I was finally looking after myself & making plans for myself and this has thrown me back to square one. Literally. 


I have five children right now. Four were planned, one so planned we used fertility drugs. My first was a surprise, a shock, a life changer. And apparently, if this baby sticks, so will be my sixth.


I feel like I should cry. I feel like I should wail. I feel like I should feel something.  All I feel is that telltale ripping feeling of my pelvic muscles every time I move. 


Every once and awhile the reality of the situation starts to surface and I feel complete and total panic overtaking me so I immediately push it away and think of ANYTHING else and wade waist deep in denial.


I worry about the progress I've made in my health - both physical and mental - being lost. Already I am experiencing unwanted changes in how much I can do at the gym. I get worn out so very quickly. I'm doing less than half what I normally do for my workouts.


I hope that before this baby comes, if it sticks, that I can learn to quit resenting it. I hope I can stop being angry. 


I wonder how long this state of shock will last.



2 comments:

  1. Mama A,

    I can't for SURE know how you feel, but will say that if I were to fall pregnant now, what you've written is exactly how I imagine I would.

    That said...

    The odds against this pregnancy are so huge, I cannot help but believe that this baby - game/life-changer that s/he already is - is destined for a game/life-changing kind of life.

    It takes a particular kind of miracle for this sort of thing to happen and I do truly believe that Himself is behind it, wholly. Well, with maybe some help from your Da, who knows you, your heart and this baby's best of all.

    Trust your Da.
    Trust your Father.
    Trust yourself.

    Be loved, beloved.

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  2. I am so tempted right now to send you messages of reassurance and anecdotal evidence that things will turn out just right...but I feel like that would be dismisses your feelings or might just make you feel worse than you do right now for NOT feeling jump up and down happy about this. So I wont. I will just say that I do understand to a certain extend and I've known others who have felt similarly. That is all. If you want the pep talk, let me know. For now, HOLY SAILBOATS! WHAT THE FIRETRUCK? and all that :)

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